Poor Darth Vader. He used to be the baddest of the bad guys, the deadliest dad, and the grumpiest force-choker around. Over the years, however, he's been reduced to a cuddly bear, a Hello Kitty parody, and a really excellent dancer.
Adding to the indignity, in 2011 George Lucas added some "tweaks" to the original Return of the Jedi which included a rather entertaining Vader yell, which has been described as "ridiculous," "undignified," and "Dude, it's a yell. What's the big deal?
Well, never fear, fellow fans! I'm here to help.
In fact, I promise you'll never think that yell is undignified again.
Compared to these.
NOOOOOOO....
OOOOOO.....
OOOOOOO....
Oh. Actually, this one's not so bad - since it's plastic and all. I just find it funny to imagine Vader using contractions. Go on, say it in your head. "LUKE I'M YOUR FATHER." No? Just me?
Right, moving on.
[Inhale]
....OOOOOOOOOO!!!!
A grateful force-choke to Timbrely, Clare, Julie Anne D., Annie L., Arielle C., and Brenda J. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch the Vader TomTom commercial again. That thing cracks. me. up.
I think it was Martha Stewart who once said, "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."
Oh, whoops - actually that was Leonardo DaVinci.
Either way, I bet Leo and Martha would both give sincere fist-bumps of approval to the bakers of these simple yet stunning wedding cakes:
Submitted by Rachel G., found here, baker unknown.
Speaking of Martha, she's probably going to be hunting down the baker so she can feature this divine cake on the cover of her next magazine. That's a very Good Thing!
Layers of flowers, polka dots, lace edging, quilt stitching, and paisley might sound like a whole lot of crazy on a single cake, but in monochrome, they make it a masterpiece.
Of course, simple does not = easy! Those painted flowers use a technique called "brush embroidery," for example, which obviously requires waaaay more effort than buying pre-made flowers, sticking them on a cake, and pretending you made them yourself. Which I would never do. Very often. Again.
Hey, not everyone is born with a flair for fondant flower-forming! But this next baker was:
Sub'd by Rebecca S. and made by her friend Jenny, amateur cake prodigy
And would you believe Jenny was only 14 years old when she made this? Fourteen!
I'm not sure if those are jewels or simply silver dragees (totally had Google that word, and was a little concerned about typing in "edible silver balls"), but either way that's some beautiful bling.
This four-tiered cake with cleverly chosen designs that symbolize true devotion (turtle doves), peace (olive branch), and perfection, light, and life (fleur de lis) may not quite qualify as simple - but stunning? You betcha!
Such an exacting design leaves zero room for imperfections, and I can't spot a single one! I love the alternating damask pattern, and how the color scheme manages to look playful and grown up at the same time. Just gorgeous.
That's all for today! Thanks for reading, and just so you know: "You're simply the best!"
Happy Sunday!
*****
P.S. You know how everyone is decorating with these cute wall bats for spooky season?
Well I found them on Amazon! They're re-usable PVC - so weatherproof - and cost less than $10 for a pack of 56. While you're there I highly recommend scrolling the customer image gallery, too, for cute decorating ideas like this.
"Um, that's not really the same... and where are the toys?"
"What toys?"
"The toys that come with the Dora cake!"
"Oh, THOSE toys. Haha! I thought you were making a pun. I don't have those toys."
"Well, which toys do you have?"
"Er...Let's see...I have the ones for this cake:"
"Ok, that's fine. Just make me one of those, then."
"Okey dokey!"
[later]
"Here you go! As you can see, I included the toys!"
"But, that looks nothing like the picture! Look, I don't mean to complain, but all these delays are really putting me behind schedule, and the party is in an hour, and I have so much to do, and I just can't seem to get ahead!" [sob]
"Say no more, my good man! I will take care of everything.
***
"Here we go! See? I told you I'd take care of it!"
"Why? What's in the box?"
****
[sniffle] "Fine. I'll take it."
Thanks to Vickie F., Ashley H., & Bryon B. for helping us finally get a head.
There are so many ways you can welcome someone home.
You could do it "sincerely:"
You could do it musically:
You could add an extremely specific qualifier:
You could also rant about the bakery's poor spelling skills...
(Isn't it ironic? Don'cha think?)
...times "sevan":
Or - my personal favorite - you could leave a note on the counter for the travelers to find around 11pm after spending 9+ hours driving through tornado warnings and stopped holiday traffic and harrowing accident-filled highways on the way home from Dragon*Con. That way, they can stagger through the door, drop their many bags, and gaze with wonder and appreciation at your thoughtful missive:
So sleep tight, y'hear?
Thanks to Loretta, Tess S., Val D., Gini M., Lisa P., Courtney S., and to John's mother, Mum, without whom this post would not have been possible, since I might have been sleeping tonight instead of writing it. Must. Stay. Awake. [twitch] WHAT WAS THAT? DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID SOMETHING JUST BUZZ?!
Yesterday I read an article about "swallowable perfume," a new form of perfume that comes in capsules. That you swallow. Ergo, "swallowable perfume."
Look, I couldn't make this stuff up, guys.
Anyway, it got me to thinking: how long before this is incorporated into food? You know, like cake? And what would an ingestible perfume cake look like, anyway? Would decorators try to reflect the scent in the cake's design?
These are all important questions, which I think deserve answers. You know, for science. And laughs. But mostly science.
So, as a public service, here are a few suggestions for some classic perfume scents:
Obsession
This would have to be a
revamped
formula, of course, with top notes of blood, wet dog, and a little patchouli.
Poison
Lucky for me, I've developed an immunity to iocane powder.
I'm sure you've heard of Chanel #5, but here's one for its lesser-known predecessor, Chanel #2:
Q: Why did Tigger have his head in the river?
A: He was looking for Pooh! Because Poo smells grrrrreat!
White Shoulders
I bet you never realized how weird that perfume name was until right now.
Contradiction
Something here doesn't add up.
Miracle
Even the balloons are defying the laws of gravity!
Lucky You
Say, here's a tip:
***
***
Ah. Never mind; false alarm.
Thanks to Sarah P., Crazy Z., Michelle S., Caren, Celeste G., Amy C., & Colleen W. Smell you later, guys!
Some couples look for a sign that their marriage will last.
This isn't it.
Thanks to Ruth H. for the initial discomfort.
Note from john: For those you you who may not know, usually "DOA" stands for "Dead On Arrival." Less common meanings are "Dead Or Alive", "Date Of Arrest" and the ever-popular, "Darkener Of Apricot."
Another astounding, can't-believe-it's-cake design. That heavy embroidery is insanely intricate, and I've been so busy staring at the cake itself that I just now noticed the cake stand is wrapped in fur!
Ha!
And finally, arguably the simplest design of them all today, but I'm just so smitten with the unusual floral swag:
This wedding cake was made for a "Red Riding Hood marries the Wolf" themed photo shoot. It's the perfect blend of dark elegance and fairy-tale whimsy, and I LOVE the succulents and fuzzy mosses they used on the cake.
Hope you enjoyed the Gothic Sweets, everyone! Happy Sunday!
"And four times means there's some kind of voodoo curse involved."
Jennifer N., Amber D., Tara A., & Brynna R., you guys get the rooster tears, and I'll fetch a bucket of sprinkles. Meet back here at oh threeth hundred.
I remember the first time I told my Mom the publisher wanted me to go on a book tour for Cake Wrecks. She responded by telling me about an author she'd seen at a big warehouse store the previous weekend, sitting alone behind a card table and looking desperate.
"I just don't want that for you," she said.
...
Motherly concern aside, you could say my mom has a real gift for encouragement.
Kind of like these people:
"Oh, and happy engagement. I guess."
This is your moment. Enjoy it.
Q: What do you get the birthday girl who's allergic to birthday cake?
A: A birthday cake with an apology. ("More cake for us! Woot!")
As we get older, we look for signs from our loved ones that age is really just a number, it's about staying young at heart, etc, etc.
"Well, sure, NOW I am."
And there's nothing quite so encouraging as ill-concealed shock at your personal accomplishments:
"We had you guys pegged at two years, tops. Wow!"
And finally:
"Note that we haven't expressed any sadness over this fact, or stated whether Kyle is happy regarding his imminent departure. However, the fact that we're having cake would seem to indicate a celebration of Kyle's coming absence."
"Wow, you got all that from four words?!"
"No, I'm reading the card."
Thanks to Edmund H., Rachael G., Kim K., Sarah C., G.D., & Kyle C. for the encouraging words.
*****
Oh hey, this seems like a good time to remind you this exists:
Bakers, contrary to popular belief, those curved thingies are not sideways "happy hugs" for your text; they're parentheses. But I'll make this easy for you: YOU WILL NEVER NEED PARENTHESES ON YOUR CAKES. So don't use them. Ever.
No, not even for a name in all caps.
And not for anniversaries, either.
Gosh. I bet "Mom" is really feeling like part of the family right now.
Which brings me to my next point:
STOP IT WITH THE QUOTATION MARKS ALREADY.
Why are these numbers in quotes? Are they euphemisms or something? Are these people not really 13 and 59? And why does this keep happening, anyway?
Oh.
Thanks to Monica, Debb D., Tamara M., Alyssa V., Amy C., Rachel C., and Aurora C. for helping me cover parentheses and quotation marks. Tomorrow: COLONS! (You'll have to check back to see which kind.)
*****
P.S. And here's the official t-shirt of National Punctuation Day:
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